Saturday, November 1, 2008

Chapter Twenty-Two: Hit a Wall

It finally happened.
I have hit a wall.

The wall of patience.

I am so done with being patient!
I want my boys home...and RIGHT NOW!!!!!
I can even tell you the moment I hit this wall and I can't seem to figure how to get over it!
I am tired of waiting.
I am tired of worrying.
I just want to move onto the next step already.
I was wondering when this was going to hit me... and hit me hard.
If there is one thing I have learned from dealing with infertility is that I don't have control and I just need to be patient and take one step at a time. I need to focus on that one step ONLY or I can go bonkers. I have been doing a real good job of being able to focus and not look to far ahead. But I am seeing that the closer we get the faster I want to run to the end.
I can't wait to hold my boys in my arms and say "I love you". I can't wait to read books with Kofi, and rock Sufi to sleep. I can't wait to celebrate the holidays with the boys and watch their faces (or incredulous looks). I can't wait to go to the park in the summer or sit at home and drink hot chocolate in the winter with the boys. I can't wait to make new traditions with them. I can't wait to kneel by their sides and pray with them. I can't wait to be there to cool their heads when they are sick all the while worryin about how they are feeling. I can't wait to watch them with their Pabbi play games while I sit by and watch. I can't wait to watch them grow and learn and become all that they can be. I can't wait to be a mother. I can't wait to be a family!
I feel like I have waited so long for all of this as it is! Waiting to conceive was so difficult and fruitless. The waiting and hoping we would have children has felt so overwhelming...and now to know there ARE two little boys that will soon join our family...but it will take more time feels too much. One minute they feel so close and the next I realize these two boys are all the way across the world. I wish I had the money to jump on a plane RIGHT NOW and race to them and stay with them until all of the paperwork and governments have placed things right.
But I can't. I sit and wait. I wait to be approved to be a mother. I wait for a judge to say, "Yes you can be a family". I wait for paperwork to be signed so that we can finally be in the same country. I wait and wait and wait. And hope. And pray. And plead that it will all work out quickly and not drag on for many more months or years.

But I don't feel like I can take one more breath and wait anymore.

I know it is required and my wanting this will not change anything...but these emotions are still happening! I can hardly think for wanting this so much! I want to be a mother in action -not waiting. If I had a set date...would that help? I doubt it.
I know the answer is to pray, have hope and faith the God knows what is needed for me and for those two beautiful boys across the world, not just for now but for eternity. But this moment seems like an eternity to me. I can't wait for the day I can look back and smile at how I feel now, and know it was ALL worth the waiting! I look forward to that day!
But for now, I will have to be content at looking at these faces and know that I love them.

And I will continue to pray:
for them,
for us,
for peace.